David and I have now been together for 7 years! When he reminded me of this the other day, it sent my mind reeling. Seven years. It seems like forever and it seems like no time at all. I wanted to share my thoughts about what our relationship has meant to me, and when I tried, it all sounded really un-romantic. My purpose is not to reject romance, because romance is beautiful and important. But, its just not all there is to it... See, with romance, there is also death. Yes, death. That is what I need to talk about today.
When we entered into this marriage bond, we both saw it as a reflection of Jesus' relationship with his people. The unconditional love, the passion, the commitment, and (oh yeah) the death. Jesus had to die for us to live, and that is a pretty important part of his relationship with us. And, we have found, in marriage, we also have to die. Its part of us looking like Jesus to each other, and part of God making us more holy.
It turns out holiness is the point of marriage... Not happiness... (Disney, you tricked me!) God gives us the relationship of marriage to become more holy, that is to say, more like Him. More set apart. More Kingdom, less earth. When happiness is the goal, if I'm not happy, something is wrong with my marriage. If the point of being married is to be happy, and your spouse is not making you happy, then marriage obviously doesn't work. So divorce, and try again. Surely someone new will make you happy and the marriage will work. If holiness is the goal of marriage, then happiness is not in the forefront, becoming like God (who is love) is what its all about. And if you will recall, Love is patient, kind, forgiving, humble, polite, generous, persistent, and strong (my paraphrase of 1 Cor 13). When I am becoming Love, I am not serving myself, I am serving my husband and God. I die to myself, to become love.
Dying is hard work... Well, it shouldn't really be hard work because I'm already dead, but I make it hard. When I am asked to do something I don't want to do, it is hard to show generosity instead of grumbling. When I am tired and we cannot agree, it is hard to be polite instead of shouting smart remarks. When I am hurt, it is not easy to forgive. But God is faithful in giving me everything I need to do those things! The Spirit makes me more forgiving, more generous, and more patient. We are being transformed.
So, I am so happy that for seven years I have gotten to lean on God to help me forgive. That I have gotten to see the power of kindness and how it can transform a life. For seven years I've had the opportunity to become stronger and more persistent in love. Its been beautiful to receive love from someone who is so committed to being more Christlike.
That is what I want to say. Thanks, husband of mine, for giving me practice at being patient. But no one wants to read that on an anniversary card... Its very unromantic. But I am grateful that we have worked together and relied on God to change us. I want to celebrate that! And we do make each other happy. So much of my joy comes from hearing David sing/make weird noises, or watching him laugh, or hearing his thoughts. But our gauge of whether or not our marriage is successful is not how happy we are at any given moment. Our focus is on leaning on each other and on God to become who he wants us to be. And that is beautiful to me.
**some clarifications** I am nervous to hit "Publish" because I know that women may read this and think its garbage that I want to serve my husband. But I do. I want to be a servant because Jesus was a servant, and that was precious. My husband is not my boss, he is my partner. He is my friend and my love and I want him to feel respected. I have both a brain and a backbone and they are not in jeopardy when I choose to love my husband by letting him be first.
Also- we are still new in marriage, and still learning every day. We are not perfect. We struggle. Sometimes we do not rely on God and we screw things up. Sometimes we are jerks. But we promised each other we would give our relationship our best. So when we are stupid, we try to admit it and fix it, and keep each other accountable for being better. We are a work in progress.
Saturday, November 16
Friday, April 26
Confession: I am pro-midwife.
First of all, if you have never heard anyone say midwifery before, let me explain: mid-WIFF-er-ee. It's delightful to say. Try it. Whimsical, right? So I have become very interested in midwifery in the past year and a half or so. And no, all you nosy people, I'm not ready to have a baby yet. Calm yourself. I don't remember exactly how it began. I know my friend Kristin told me about her cousin who was having her baby naturally. Her mom had been the librarian at a school I worked at a few years ago (love you Library Laurie!!). I stalked her facebook until I found a link to her daughter, Katie's blog. She had written all about her experience with natural birth. And I.got.hooked. Totally rewired my brain. Have I ever met this girl? No. But she has been a crazy strong influence on my thinking here.
Anyway, she wrote about how women have a choice when it comes to how they will give birth. What? There are choices? The only choice I was aware of was the choice or "pro-life" or "pro-choice". However, there are apparently lots of choices you can make. Astounding. Katie's blog was also full of the Spirit. She and her husband had studied how God created birth, that it was a natural process, and they had prayed for every aspect of the birth. It was so beautiful. They had really come together to share the experience and put God right at the center. I loved it.
So from there, I started reading more. I researched. If you looked at my browsing history you would think I was giving birth tomorrow. I just read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. She and her husband helped found the Farm in southern Tennessee. It's a purposeful commune. She learned to be a midwife when women in their commune started having babies. She also studied other midwives and has now attended thousands of births.
The book was very informative, and very hippie/granola. I enjoyed it immensely! Half of it is birth stories and the other half is information about birthing. She made several points that I feel are important.
1. Birth is something you do. Not something that happens to you. It is a natural process your body goes through. In fact, a woman's body was designed for birth. By God. Who tends to create things very well.
2. There is a very strong mind-body connection. If you feel and speak positively about birth, your body will follow suit. Not to say that birth isn't painful, but your attitude can help it be a different experience than what we see on TV. Or hear about from unhelpful people...
3. Doctors who are trained as OB-GYNs usually have never seen a natural birth. They are taught pathology. They are taught what to do when things go wrong. Of course, we need people to be trained for the worst. But we also need people to understand that healthy birth can happen without interventions. In many other countries midwives are present at most births. Doctors and midwives work together! Women with low risk pregnancies only see a midwife. The doctors help people with whom a problem is expected.
Next I read the book Pushed by Jennifer Block. This one was not as easy of a read, but was amazingly informative! (I'd like to clarify, it was not a hard read, it just was more research focused than story focused.) Block has researched birth and the changes that have taken place in America since the 1900's. She focused on the rise of C-Sections in the country and why it has happened. She also discussed other interventions (things meant to help birth like fetal monitoring and drugs to induce labor) and where they came from, and how they became popular today. She also talked about their risks, which I think most women are not told specifically. Another topic she covered was midwifery, but she took a different view- Midwives on the Run! Apparently midwifery had been outlawed in many states, and women were practicing illegally. I believe the book was published in 2007 and some of those laws were still current. Not sure about now. I was shocked! Risking jail to be a midwife.
Major take away points:
1. A C-Section is a major surgery and should be looked at as such. It is not the easy way to have a baby. There is major risk involved.
2. Most interventions started out to help a specific group of people, then grew to everyone using them every time. This was not their intended use, and studies show most of them do not improve outcomes for mom or baby.
3. -in some cases- Women are not being treated fairly during their births. Patients have a right to decline treatments they do not want. Women are also not being fully educated about what is happening and the risk involved so they can make a choice about accepting or declining treatment.
4. Pitocin is not a cool drug.
Block's book was so filled with evidence from studies (and I love data!) that I was overwhelmed. How is birth not a topic of discussion? How did we go from midwives being the norm to more than 30% of women delivering by major surgery? Why does almost every other comparable country use a model where midwives and doctors work together, while we have made it illegal for midwives to practice? How are we not talking about this?!
I have been feeling somewhat alone in my interest, but then I noticed that quite a few friends that are my age have been having their babies naturally! It's not just me who finds the midwifery model compelling! If you find it compelling or have never considered it or have any thoughts at all, I would love to hear them. I have really become interested in this and would like to discuss it with others (without people asking me about having a baby myself). So, leave me a comment or talk to me about it if you are inclined! Hope to hear from you!
PS- Midwives do not just deliver babies. They can take care of lots of primary care needs, as well. I recently switched doctors, and now the midwives at Vanderbilt are my primary care doctor! I had a physical there and loved it. I have never been happy and refreshed when leaving a doctor's office. But I was. I felt listened to and cared for (not that I have not had good doctors previously, but this was amazing!). I highly recommend them.
Anyway, she wrote about how women have a choice when it comes to how they will give birth. What? There are choices? The only choice I was aware of was the choice or "pro-life" or "pro-choice". However, there are apparently lots of choices you can make. Astounding. Katie's blog was also full of the Spirit. She and her husband had studied how God created birth, that it was a natural process, and they had prayed for every aspect of the birth. It was so beautiful. They had really come together to share the experience and put God right at the center. I loved it.
So from there, I started reading more. I researched. If you looked at my browsing history you would think I was giving birth tomorrow. I just read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. She and her husband helped found the Farm in southern Tennessee. It's a purposeful commune. She learned to be a midwife when women in their commune started having babies. She also studied other midwives and has now attended thousands of births.
The book was very informative, and very hippie/granola. I enjoyed it immensely! Half of it is birth stories and the other half is information about birthing. She made several points that I feel are important.
1. Birth is something you do. Not something that happens to you. It is a natural process your body goes through. In fact, a woman's body was designed for birth. By God. Who tends to create things very well.
2. There is a very strong mind-body connection. If you feel and speak positively about birth, your body will follow suit. Not to say that birth isn't painful, but your attitude can help it be a different experience than what we see on TV. Or hear about from unhelpful people...
3. Doctors who are trained as OB-GYNs usually have never seen a natural birth. They are taught pathology. They are taught what to do when things go wrong. Of course, we need people to be trained for the worst. But we also need people to understand that healthy birth can happen without interventions. In many other countries midwives are present at most births. Doctors and midwives work together! Women with low risk pregnancies only see a midwife. The doctors help people with whom a problem is expected.
Next I read the book Pushed by Jennifer Block. This one was not as easy of a read, but was amazingly informative! (I'd like to clarify, it was not a hard read, it just was more research focused than story focused.) Block has researched birth and the changes that have taken place in America since the 1900's. She focused on the rise of C-Sections in the country and why it has happened. She also discussed other interventions (things meant to help birth like fetal monitoring and drugs to induce labor) and where they came from, and how they became popular today. She also talked about their risks, which I think most women are not told specifically. Another topic she covered was midwifery, but she took a different view- Midwives on the Run! Apparently midwifery had been outlawed in many states, and women were practicing illegally. I believe the book was published in 2007 and some of those laws were still current. Not sure about now. I was shocked! Risking jail to be a midwife.
Major take away points:
1. A C-Section is a major surgery and should be looked at as such. It is not the easy way to have a baby. There is major risk involved.
2. Most interventions started out to help a specific group of people, then grew to everyone using them every time. This was not their intended use, and studies show most of them do not improve outcomes for mom or baby.
3. -in some cases- Women are not being treated fairly during their births. Patients have a right to decline treatments they do not want. Women are also not being fully educated about what is happening and the risk involved so they can make a choice about accepting or declining treatment.
4. Pitocin is not a cool drug.
Block's book was so filled with evidence from studies (and I love data!) that I was overwhelmed. How is birth not a topic of discussion? How did we go from midwives being the norm to more than 30% of women delivering by major surgery? Why does almost every other comparable country use a model where midwives and doctors work together, while we have made it illegal for midwives to practice? How are we not talking about this?!
I have been feeling somewhat alone in my interest, but then I noticed that quite a few friends that are my age have been having their babies naturally! It's not just me who finds the midwifery model compelling! If you find it compelling or have never considered it or have any thoughts at all, I would love to hear them. I have really become interested in this and would like to discuss it with others (without people asking me about having a baby myself). So, leave me a comment or talk to me about it if you are inclined! Hope to hear from you!
PS- Midwives do not just deliver babies. They can take care of lots of primary care needs, as well. I recently switched doctors, and now the midwives at Vanderbilt are my primary care doctor! I had a physical there and loved it. I have never been happy and refreshed when leaving a doctor's office. But I was. I felt listened to and cared for (not that I have not had good doctors previously, but this was amazing!). I highly recommend them.
Friday, February 8
How to Become a World Traveller
Step 1: Land additional job that secures funds for the trip.
Step 2: Accept generous donation from parents because they understand your innate NEED to travel.
Step 3: Do a happy dance. Try to get your husband to do it to, but don't expect too much.
Step 4: Use yahoo trip planner and make a dream itinerary, including lots of literary sites.
Step 5: Coordinate vacation dates with your mom-in-law/dog sitter.
Step 6: Apply for passport.
Step 7: Feel really cool anticipating passport in the mail!
There are probably a few more steps, but I haven't gotten there yet. We are going to England in July! George Bailey is getting out of here! Anchor chains, plane motors, and train whistles, baby!
Step 2: Accept generous donation from parents because they understand your innate NEED to travel.
Step 3: Do a happy dance. Try to get your husband to do it to, but don't expect too much.
Step 4: Use yahoo trip planner and make a dream itinerary, including lots of literary sites.
Step 5: Coordinate vacation dates with your mom-in-law/dog sitter.
Step 6: Apply for passport.
Step 7: Feel really cool anticipating passport in the mail!
There are probably a few more steps, but I haven't gotten there yet. We are going to England in July! George Bailey is getting out of here! Anchor chains, plane motors, and train whistles, baby!
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