PRIDE: a confession of confusion.

I've been seeing many posts about PRIDE today. And I want to admit my feelings of confusion. I am completely confident that sharing the "why " about our views on topics is one of the only ways we can truly understand each other. Sharing stories are an exercise in empathy. So, empathize with me for a moment.
I live in the Bible Belt. I am a Christian. I grew up being told homosexuality was wrong because the Bible said so. When I got older and started forging my own faith and beliefs, as we all do, I wanted to know why. Because it just isn't fair!!! Why would God tell you who you love is wrong?
I don't believe people choose to be gay. I don't look at a crowded room of men and decide which one I'm drawn to. It just happens. So why would being drawn to one person over another be wrong?
As I looked for answers, I wanted to find a loophole. I wanted to find something that told me it was ok. I wanted it to be ok, because to me, it just seemed awful that something as crucial and precious as romantic love could make God angry.
But I didn't find a loophole. I found some verses (that I already knew) saying homosexuality is wrong. I found some others, which I saw in new light, saying that God created a man, and when that man longed for a companion like himself, God made him a woman. And I saw that Jesus compares himself to a husband protecting and cherishing his wife (us).
So, I'm left feeling confused. I think, based on what I understand, that God created men and women specifically for each other. But I don't want people who don't feel attracted to the opposite sex to be wrong. But I can't say that I think it's right, either.
I've read some people's ideas about this topic, and every time I HOPE this will be the one that proves to me that it's ok! And I haven't found one yet... Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
My faith is founded in the notion that I will never understand everything, so I don't expect to. I fully expect to have lots of questions and changing opinions during my life. And I don't believe God is mad about that. He is God. I am human. My dog knows a lot of things, but he doesn't understand the internet. I understand a lot of things, but God knows a depth that I will never comprehend.
Ok, sorry for the rambly bit, back to PRIDE. So, I can't say that I agree that homosexuality is ok. But my friend posted something thoughtful (as she does) that helped me see a place where I can stand. She said PRIDE didn't start to celebrate being gay, but to celebrate "our right to exist without persecution". That's something I can join in celebrating!! Because whether being gay is a sin or not, God isn't angry. He has no desire to persecute people who are gay, because Jesus was perscuted for them. God doesn't look at someone who is gay and see SIN written on their forehead. He sees MY SWEET CHILD on it! I can celebrate people being treated fairly because they are God's children. And I can treat all people fairly because we are God's children.
While I'm not 100% sure about how to react in every situation, or the answer to every question about homosexuality in our culture today, I am sure that I can join in the rejoicing that more people are treating each other better.
If you read this far, remember at the beginning how I asked you to empathize with me? I'm asking again. I feel like not many people are confused, like me, on this issue. So if I just went against everything you believe, take a second to empathize before we discuss- because I would really like to discuss.
To all my friends gleefully showing and proclaiming their PRIDE, I love you and I admire your bravery. If you are unfriending everyone with a rainbow post, I love you and I admire your loyalty to your beliefs. (But if you're really doing that, you might want to consider calming it down.)  I will be somewhere in the middle. Proud of people who can look at someone else and share love with that person, without needing an explanation of their actions. Proud of people who can have a simple and childlike faith in each other. Proud of people who can ask each other questions, not know the answers, and still walk side by side.

Hannah's Birth Story: A Memoir

From the very beginning, Hannah has been my surprise baby. I was surprised to find out she was growing inside me. I was surprised a few months later when I found out she was not a boy. And we were most recently surprised by her delivery which took place, not in the hospital, but in the front seat of my car. I could have never imagined her story, but I am loving getting to experience it.

My pregnancy with Hannah was very typical, but I had a harder time than with Avery. First of all, caring for a one year old while being pregnant is very tiring. There are no naps when you are taking care of a one year old. Add onto that a full time job, and we move to the extremely tired category. Besides being extremely tired physically, I was exhausted emotionally. I was buried under doubt because of my sudden job change, and guilt from being frustrated with Avery (he still wasn't sleeping much at night and we had tried everything).

   So now, on top of being very physically tired, my mind is in disarray, and I am surprised to find out I am pregnant! I kinda just went numb at first. And I was disappointed in myself for that. So just throw some self loathing on the top of that heap I was under. Whew!

   Anyway, at some point, I finally heard all the good that was being spoken to me through my husband, and family, and that small, still voice of God telling me that my loss of control was not a bad thing. I finally started feeling ok again and finally felt excited about this sweet girl I was carrying! And even though I wish I could say I was immediately so happy and excited and joyful, I think a lot of women can relate to having feelings of fear and doubt in their pregnancies. I am not alone.

So, let’s speed up to the exciting part! It’s July. It’s hot (and you need a pool). Like, for real, the hottest summer of my life. Everyday Avery and I basically get up, go to the pool, and then go back inside. There is no reason to be outside unless you are getting in water. Despite the heat, Hannah and I were doing wonderfully well! My blood pressure was perfect, my weight gain was on track, and the midwives were very pleased. (In case you don’t know, I use the Vanderbilt Nurse Midwives for my OB/GYN. They are a group of nurses who got their Master’s Degrees in Midwifery. I see them in an office with medical equipment; not in the backwoods somewhere like some people have asked me… and they deliver babies at Vanderbilt Hospital. They are a lot like seeing a typical OB practice, but their focus is a bit different.)

    I went to see the midwives on my due date and I saw Annie. She told me I was doing great! They typically do not check to see how dilated you are unless you ask them, and before that I hadn’t asked. I don’t think its very helpful to know you are at 2 cm when you could stay that way for weeks. But since it was my due date, and since inquiring minds really wanted to know, I asked her to check me. I was 2 cm. As suspected. So, this was nothing to get excited about. Our plan was for me to come back in one week for a post dates ultrasound, and then we would talk from there.

   One week later (Monday, July 25)- after everyone and their brother told me to just go ahead and be induced…. eye roll.. I woke up around 5:30am having contractions. I told David, and he decided to work from home. It was a very lovely (hot) day, and I enjoyed spending it with Avery. We cuddled on the couch and watched TV, took some funny snap chats, and went on a walk. All the while, I was having contractions. At this stage, it was NOTHING like the movies. There was no huffing or puffing. I was not in pain. It felt like a cramp, and they lasted around 30-45 seconds. There was no real pattern of how close together they were. They sped up when we went on our walk, and slowed down when I rested. I used a contraction timer on my phone so I could keep up with them, and find a pattern if one emerged.

   I called my chiropractor’s office and asked if they could squeeze me in for a quick adjustment, and they could. I went to the chiropractor because my hip had been getting really out of alignment while I was pregnant, and I could tell it was out. The more aligned my hips were, the straighter the path for Hannah to be born. So I wanted to make that happen if at all possible! I had pushed for three hours with Avery, and did not want that to happen again. I’ve gone to Laser Therapy and Chiropractic for years now, so all the girls were expecting me to pop at any time! I was excited to tell them I was having contractions. I saw Dr. Thea, and she quickly popped my hip into alignment. Ahhh! I love that feeling!

   My parents came over to play with Avery while I went to the office. I had told my mom I was having contractions and she seemed… upset… while she was at the house. I think she was just concerned. And trying her best not to tell me what to do… Although she did tell me she would just go ahead and have lunch in Nashville… Love you, Mom!

  .      So before this, I had asked the midwives when I should come to the hospital. The BIG question. I was especially concerned since we live in Murfreesboro, and Vanderbilt is about 40 minutes away with light traffic. I got a few different answers. The standard answer is to come in with contractions that last 1 minute and are 5 minutes apart for 1 hour. However, we discussed some other things like if my water broke, thinfgs would most likely move really quickly since Hannah is my second baby. Mostly, everyone told me to listen to my body and come in when I felt like I needed to. I also got advised to come to Nashville as early as I wanted to and hang out until I was ready to get checked into the hospital. All good advice.

Our plan for the day was to have Lindsay and Leif watch Avery while we were at the ultrasound appointment, since we were hoping we would get sent to the hospital from there and have Hannah that night. Our appointment was at 3:00 so around lunch time, we met up with our friends Andi, Evvy, and Vance for lunch at Blue Coast Burrito. I was still having contractions. Andi, who is an amazing nurse, told me she thought I was handling them well. I don’t think she could really tell when I was having them, except I would mess with my phone to turn on the timer. While we were eating, Lindsay, Leif, and Jovi walked in! It was so funny to see them there. I asked if they were here to get Avery early since I was having contractions. So we all ate and had a good time. Except Avery, who didn’t like anything but the chips…

Then we went home and I got Avery down for a nap while David worked. I called the midwives and told them about my contractions. They told me to keep the ultrasound appointment, and then come to their office like we had planned. They also told me to have a nice relaxing bath (ew.), so I asked if I could do a shower instead. They said that was fine. So I told David he needed to start getting all our stuff ready in the car, and hopped into the shower. I stopped timing contractions while I was in the shower, obviously, but they were still coming pretty regularly. I wasn’t in pain yet. Still uncomfortable, but not bad.

In the shower I was thinking about taking Avery to leave him with Lindsay and Leif and got very emotional. I have such a deep connection with Avery. I was home with him for eight months, and I nursed him for 17 months! He has been my little sidekick since he was born, and I had a really hard time thinking that this was the last time I would have him as my only child. A few months before, I had seen a post on facebook of a very pregnant woman in a hospital gown, on a hospital bed, embracing her toddler son. The caption said something about a mother’s goodbye to her only child before the birth of her second. It tore me apart! I cried and cried. I didn’t even click on the article, but that image had stayed with me, and I kept thinking about it. I didn’t want to say goodbye to my baby. We had gotten to such a wonderful place in our parenting relationship! He was old enough to do so much independently, and he was FINALLY sleeping! The week before Hannah was born was the first week Avery slept through the night every night! What a gift!!

    So I got out of the shower all teary. David was packing stuff up. I motioned for him stop packing and to come hug me. I told him I wasn’t ready to leave Avery. I also told him I didn’t want to have another baby, I just wanted to keep Avery… So he patted me like you do when someone is being ridiculous and told me it would all be ok. But he understood my feelings about Avery, and I could tell he was moved by it, too. It’s a hard thing to do, to know everything is about to change.

    I got ready and went to get Avery up from his nap. He was very cuddly, and I just sat with him and cuddled for a while. I cried a little more, but I reminded myself that he wasn’t leaving. I wasn’t trading Hannah for Avery. He would still, always, be my baby. Then I got him ready to go, and we drove to Lindsay’s. David unloaded the car and set up the pack-n-play for Avery to sleep in. By this time we were running a little late. I was glad I had been emotional at our house and gotten it out of my system, because there was no time for a long goodbye.

    We drove up to West End to the Women’s Imaging Center. I had called to tell them we were running late, but they were, too. We waited a bit, and went in to see Hannah! I was still having contractions, and they were more uncomfortable. But I could still talk through them. At this point I didn’t want to talk through them, I just wanted to breathe and focus. While we were having the ultrasound, I had 3 or 4 contractions. I was able to talk through them, but I didn’t really like laying down during them.

This time we got to see a 3D image of Hannah’s face! They had tried before, but it hadn’t been very clear. This time I could see a very chubby cheek! I was so excited! Avery has no chub on him ever, so I was thrilled to have some chubby cheeks to kiss. The ultrasound also checked for her muscle movement, breathing, and amniotic fluid level. All great! My fluid level had been low with Avery, and now it was in the low-normal range. But not low enough to cause any worry. We went to the midwives’ office next. It is also on West End. My blood pressure was still very good, I had wondered if it would go up during labor.

A midwife named Linda (who I came to love during Avery’s birth) checked me. I told her I had been having contractions and was hoping today was the day. We talked about stripping my membranes. This is a procedure that can help move labor along. Here are the gory details: the midwife uses their finger to separate your amniotic sac from the uterus wall. That release hormones that can induce labor. It is a painful procedure, but its also very quick. I had been contemplating having my membranes stripped on my due date, but decided against it. The procedure can sometimes cause cramping and that can make women uncomfortable and tired. So I didn’t want to do it earlier than necessary. I had been thinking of it again, and thought it would be fine to do today, since I was sure this was real labor.

When Linda checked me she laughed and told me to let her strip them! I laughed, too. She is the happiest midwife ever! I told her I wanted to know how far along I was first! She told me I was at a 5. Maybe a four, but close to 5. So I told her to go ahead. I needed to hold David’s hand though! It was painful- like a really bad cramp- stronger than I had been feeling, and lots of pressure. But it didn’t last long. Linda told me I had a contraction while she was doing it, so that made it hurt worse. She told me that should get things going! The plan was to go walk around until the contractions were at the magic 1-5-1 (one minute long, every five minutes, for an hour), and then to call and tell the hospital I was coming. Linda would call the midwife on call to give her a heads up to expect me. I asked her who the midwife was, and she told me Annie was coming on at the night shift. I was very happy, because I love Annie! She was my primary midwife with Avery, and we have a good rapport

So David and I headed over to the park. We walked around Centennial Park and took my picture at the Parthenon. We walked over to the lake, but then I wanted to sit down. It was hot, and the contractions were coming every 2 to 4 minutes. We sat under a low tree, and it was like we were hidden. So we spied on people taking wedding pictures and chasing Pokemon. I posted a picture of us on Instagram and used the hashtag #iminlabor. I also said labor was nothing like the movies, a statement I would later retract! But at this point, I was still able to do everything and talk through contractions, but they were getting stronger. When one would come I was holding David’s hand. I was getting more uncomfortable, and sometimes contractions were coming only 2 minutes apart, so I felt like Hannah was really on the way. They had been that way for 45 minutes, so we decided to leave the park.
I wanted to eat, and we went to McDonald’s. It was convenient, ok? I have no regrets. While we sat in the car eating, my contractions slowed down to about 8 minutes apart. We drove to the hospital and called them from the parking garage, on 21st Avenue. If you aren’t familiar with Nashville, the hospital is on 21st Ave, about 6 minutes from West End Ave. We told the hospital the contractions had been close for an hour, so we were ready to check in. Our parents were coming up to meet us there, too.

At the hospital, I got into a gown and got hooked up to the fetal heart monitor. We came in right at the shift change, so the nurse who checked me in left right after that. I’m sad to say I can’t remember her name- but it was an nature name…(was it Rabbit?) Hannah was monitored for 20 minutes, and she did great! Her heart was going up when I had a contraction, which is what they want to see. After 20 minutes of monitoring, they unhooked me, and it was time to meet with Annie. She came in with a student midwife who checked me and told me I was still at 5 cm. We talked a lot about my contractions; the timing and strength. Still no constant pattern with the timing, but they were getting stronger. Now I needed to hold David’s hand really hard and really breathe. I was doing a kind of open throat exhale, hum kinda thing that was really helpful. But as soon as it was over, I was completely fine until the next one. They had really slowed down since I had been sitting so much. Annie suggested I walk the halls for an hour, and we would talk then. I think it was 7:00, so we would talk again at 8:00.

In my birth plan I had asked to not have an IV unless medically necessary. I didn’t even want a Hep-lock, which is where they put the IV needle in, without attaching it to any drugs or anything, just in case they need it. I had asked not to have those things for two reasons. One, I don’t love needles. Two, I wanted to labor naturally. Have something irritating in my arm would just annoy me, and I was trying to have everything as relaxed as possible. It is also a lot easier to introduce an intervention (like drugs) when you a have a needle prepped and ready to go in your arm. Without it you have time to talk and make decisions with a little more patience. I know some of my nurse friends don’t love that choice, but I was happy with it. And the midwives were OK with it, too. If any reason arose where I needed an IV, I would agree to it. But at this point, I wasn’t showing any problems. I had tried my best to stay hydrated that whole day because I knew that might be a reason I would need an IV. And I am a bad, slow drinker. But I had already gotten some ice water at the hospital and I was also drinking Gatorade.

So at this point, I had no encumbrances and could walk as I pleased. I doubled up on the hospital gowns (one on frontward and one backward) and walked the halls with my mom. My parents and David’s were there in the waiting room, getting comfy. David sat and chatted with them while we walked. I wasn’t timing contractions at this point, because I didn’t want to carry my phone around. So Mom and I walked and talked and I think I held onto her arm a few times through contractions. They were still strong, but I wasn’t positive they were closer together (I suspected they were) or longer (I suspected they weren’t). The words they want to hear during labor are “longer, stronger, and closer together”.

I didn’t tell Annie this, but I was having what I termed “aftershock” contractions. Sometimes after I had one strong one, I would have a super short one almost immediately after it. I hadn’t really heard of that before, and I thought it might even be one long one and not two. I wasn’t really sure, but I had not been timing those. I don’t know now if I should have mentioned it, I just remember that happening.

An hour passed quickly, and we went back to the room. Annie came in and I told her how I was feeling. She told me she had been watching me go through a few contractions while I walked, and she did not think I had progressed much. She was certain I wasn’t to a seven yet without checking me. She asked if I wanted to keep walking or rest. I told her resting sounded pretty good. I had been doing this since 5:30 am. She told me we could do some medicated rest. I would get a shot of Morphine and Phenergan and that would help me sleep. Then when the “real” labor got going, I would wake up and we would come back. Wait- come back?! Yes. She wanted me to go home to really rest. I told her we lived in Murfreesboro, and I didn’t think we needed to go home, so she suggested a hotel. She wanted me to be able to relax and really sleep for a while.

So David and I talked. My Dad was willing to give us hotel points to stay somewhere if we needed to. I felt bad doing that, though. I was conflicted, and said maybe we should just go home. But David said no, that wasn’t an option. I told him I needed him to make the call. My friend Jill, who is a wonderful doula in NYC, told me that I needed to remind David that he would be in charge of everything while I was in labor, so I could be free to just labor. I needed him to do that now. So he talked to Dad, who found us a hotel back on West End (6 minutes away, remember?). When the nurse (whose name I also do not remember…) came in with the Morphine, I had to tell her I didn’t want it. I just didn’t feel good about it. Its a heavy drug, and I really don’t like taking heavy stuff. I was worried that it would make me feel out of control. My sister is also allergic to it, so I was a little wary from that. I apologized to her for making her order it, but I just couldn’t take it. She told me I wouldn’t be able to actually sleep without it, but I was sure. I am really good at sleeping! She gave me a shot of Phenergan and told me to take some Benydryl when I got to the hotel.

I changed clothes and we packed up our stuff. I felt a bit upset. Not really that I was being sent home, but that someone was having to pay for it. At this point, I did not remember that Annie had asked me if I wanted to keep walking or rest. If I had, I would have chosen walk! We walked out with David’s parents. My parents were going to the hotel with us to check us in, since it was in Dad’s name. We couldn’t go to the car the way we were used to because it was around 9:00 and it was after hours. Certain doors and elevators were locked, so we had to walk a much longer way than I thought we should. I was pretty inwardly focused at this point. Contractions were still strong, and getting stronger. Just not much closer together or longer. I needed to grab David and breathe every time. I was a bit irritated that we had to walk so far and I didn’t understand why we had to go that way. When we got to the car, we had a hard time finding the hotel because we couldn’t see the sign! I called my dad, and was probably rude, while we stopped at a gas station to get my Benydryl.

We finally found the hotel! Dad checked us in and got our room upgraded to a suite (people listen when you tell them your daughter is at the hotel to labor!) and got our car valet parked really near the entrance. We rode the elevator up and the room had a kitchen/living room area and a separate bedroom. I took my contacts out and laid down. Dad, Mom, and David brought in our bags and got everything settled. Mom had given me some snacks, and I might have eaten something. A few minutes later, they were heading out the door to go back to the hospital. I yelled at them, “Don’t leave!” I told them they needed to stay since they paid for the hotel. They could stay in the living room area and not bother me. Mom asked if I was really sure, and I was. I just felt awful that they were paying with their points, and I wanted them to get use out of the room. I felt really happy and like a weight was lifted when they agreed to stay. So I laid back down and tried to rest.

I was dozing between contractions for a while, but then they got stronger and I just could not lay there anymore. I also had to pee after EVERY contraction. It was so annoying! I was not getting any rest because I had to pee so much! I told David I couldn’t lay down during contractions anymore. I didn’t know what to do and I was frustrated. I was supposed to rest, but I needed to be up!  I remember going into the bathroom after one contraction and thinking “I am frustrated. Am I in transition? No. I am just frustrated because labor is hard. I’m not in transition.” But I was totally in transition. Transition is the term for the last part of labor, 7cm to 10cm. It’s when your body really starts to take over, and women tend to go deep into themselves. It’s hard to think, and you can get very agitated. Its the part where people get yelled at and punched in the movies.

While I was washing my hands, I had a really long contraction, about 2 and a half minutes long. It was very different from my 45 sec contractions. Then I had another one kind of roll in right after that one stopped. I only know how long it was because David and I had decided to time contractions, and then head back to the hospital. But there was still no consistency. They were close together, but not really in a pattern. We weren’t sure if we should go back yet, so we decided to time them for another 10-15 minutes.

David knew I was upset about getting up and down, so he put a chair next to the bed so I could sit and rest, then stand up when I needed to. When a contraction came, I would squeeze his hand and press it into the bed really hard. Then I would sway or bounce on the balls of my feet and do the open throat hum/groan thing. The chair really helped, except I was cold! So David got the blanket off the bed to drape around my shoulders. There! Perfect! I was very grateful for his help. He did it all without asking me anything. He just did it. That was what we learned way back in our Roots birth class before Avery was born- just try to be helpful, and if she doesn’t want it, don’t get offended!

So now I had the perfect set up. I was comfy and warm. A contraction came and I stood up… and my water broke. I had my head down on the bed and David says I said, very monotone, like a zombie, “I think my water just broke.” He grabbed me a towel and said we were going back to the hospital. I agreed! He opened the door and told my parents, who sprung into action! I was waddling out with the towel between my legs, but I couldn’t leave the hotel room with that towel. It was a Marriott towel, and they would have charged my dad! Can you tell I was a bit obsessed with the whole money issue? So I told mom I couldn’t leave with the Marriott towel and she found the one I had packed. Then we got on the elevator. I think I had a contraction waiting for the elevator, on the elevator, getting off the elevator, and walking out of the lobby. They were kind of rolling together again. During one of them I had to stop walking and I told them I couldn’t move. I noticed people walking around going to and from the pool and wondered what they must think of us! We yelled to the receptionist that we were going to the hospital, and I think I smiled and waved goodbye to her. I still felt ok between contractions.

David was on the phone with the hospital on call service. They told us to call when we were on our way back so they could get a room ready. I remembered Annie said we could just say we were coming back, and that is all they needed to know. The on call service was trying to follow protocol and ask my date of birth, etc. Poor David! He told them they just needed to tell Annie that Lauren’s water broke and they were coming back and he hung up. He was not happy about that call! I’m sure the on call receptionist wasn’t either…

My car was right out front and I remember standing by the door and seeing David run away. I was not really aware of much, because I was really focused on the contractions. They were really painful at this point. So, needless to say, I was very confused when I saw him run away. I asked my mom if he forgot the keys. She told me he valet parked. Well, I had my keys in my purse so she got them and ran to get David while I got into the car. As I sat there by myself, I had another contraction and had the urge to push. Hmmmm. Not good. But how long does that last? 30 minutes? I had no idea…I didn’t say anything to David about it until he was driving and it happened again with the next contraction.

Now I had been very quiet up until this point. I had kind of hummed/moaned during contractions, but there was no crazy huffing and puffing like in the movies. That was about to change. From here on out, read everything in a panicked yell. Imagine lots of gasping and grunting. It was around 11:05 pm when we left and there were no cars on the road at all. What a blessing! As we sat at a red light, I remember saying, “I’m scared! I am really scared! I’m really scared because I keep feeling like I have to push, and I don’t want to push because I don’t want to have a baby in the car and I am sorry I am screaming because I know I am scaring you but I can’t help it!” So now with every contraction I am panting and screaming, and I really was not meaning to. Its just what happened. David was upset because I was terrifying him because I was hysterical. I don’t remember if he told me to try not to push or not. I remember thinking I would not be able to get onto a wheelchair when we got to the hospital. Then I got very concerned about what would happen if she came out and I didn’t know it and I still had my pants on. What would happen to her?? I wanted to stop and find out what was going on, but I also didn’t want to stop. I wanted to get to the hospital.

At the next contraction, my mind told me “ring of fire”. This is a term a lot of people use to describe the feeling moms have when the baby’s head is crowning. I was not sure what I was feeling at that point. Everything was just a blur! I just knew I had to scream and that I was not in control. There was no breathing through it or trying to be zen, it was just happening! I couldn’t think much, but my brain said “ring of fire” and I decided I needed to find out what was happening. I told David to pull over, and he did, at the corner of 21st and Scarritt Place. This was a place I knew well from my days at Vanderbilt. We were probably .4 miles from the emergency room door, and I could probably see the ER sign! But that didn’t matter. I HAD to know what was going on.

So David stops the car and I say, “I’m sorry, but I have to take off my pants.” I felt so stupid. Of course she wasn’t coming out, I was in the car! This was dumb, and I was going to be very embarrassed… Turns out, no, taking off the pants was a good call. I reached down and felt a very soft baby head sticking out! I told David, “I can feel the head! She’s going to come now!” At some point he had gotten out of the car and came around to my side. He was on the phone. I asked who he was calling, I wasn’t sure if it was the hospital or 911. He had called 911, because he is a genius! Now it is all happening EXACTLY like in the movies! The woman screaming, the man crying/screaming at the dispatcher to “Send someone to help us RIGHT NOW!!!”, the dispatcher yelling instructions because we are all just yelling.

An SUV pulled up in front of us, and David thought they were going to help us. A girl got out and kind of started our way toward the Brugger’s Bagels, then went and got back into her car. Not sure if she left because of the bagel shop being closed, or the hysterical screaming from our car… We will never know…

So David had the dispatcher on speaker phone, and he would tell me whatever she said to do. He told me to lay back, and I couldn’t figure out how to get the seat back. I didn’t even try. I knew I couldn’t think. But I was wondering how I would make room for her to come out. I was just sitting in the front seat, there wasn’t any room for her. Then the dispatcher told David to tell me to push hard. At this point, I was thinking we weren’t ready for her to be born. So I was surprised when he told me to push, but I did. Somehow I figured out how to make room for her. I wrapped my hand around the outside roof of the car, and pulled myself up so I was semi-standing and pushed! I remembered reading and watching Call the Midwife, and they always tell the mothers to “pant like crazy” when its time to push. So I did. I panted like crazy! (I have always joked with people that I could totally deliver a baby because I’ve watched that show so much. Well now I know I could! I totally could! I should write their medical advisor a congratulatory letter.They are doing a great job!)

One push and Hannah’s head was born, and then with one more push, she had arrived! There was a blanket under me, one our friend Debbie made for Avery, and I thought she just kinda landed on the blanket. It was dark and I couldn’t see. David told me later that he had caught her and then handed her to me. I thought I had picked her up off the blanket, so I’m glad to know that wasn’t what really happened! And David delivered her! He caught his own baby! What an amazing thing to be able to say!

It was dark, and when I picked Hannah up, she looked kind of gray to me. I am not sure she really was, because I couldn’t see well. I wanted to hear that really good cry that babies do to know she was breathing ok, but I didn’t hear it. I started patting her to try to get her to cry. We didn’t have anything to suction her mouth and nose with, so I just tried patting her. I could hear her kind of grunting and snorting, so I knew she was breathing, but I wanted to hear that good cry! While I was doing this I heard a voice saying over and over “Wrap the baby in a towel or blanket. Wrap the baby in a towel or blanket.” It was the dispatcher. We were so distracted, I bet she said it fifteen times before we realized, “Oh, we should wrap her in a towel or blanket!” So we wrapped her in the non-Marriott towel and I held her and talked to her, trying to make sure she was still breathing the whole time.

The dispatched told David he needed to tie the cord. When he asked her what to use, she told him to use his shoelace. So off comes David’s shoelace. She told him to tie it about six inches from the baby, so I held her up and we estimated where that would be. She told him to tie it around tightly. He asked how tight? At this point I got a little irritated and said, “Just tie it tight!” I think I was irritated because in our birth plan, we had wanted delayed cord clamping. It can help all the blood and oxygen from the placenta get to the baby if you wait a few minutes. I thought about telling the dispatcher that I didn’t want David to tie the cord because of the birth plan. But then I thought to myself, “Self- you just had a baby in the front seat of your car. Whatever you do, do NOT bring up your birth plan. Now is not the time to bring up your birth plan…”

Around this time, a firetruck and ambulance showed up. The EMT’s asked me if I could get onto the stretcher, but with cord still attached, I wasn’t sure how to make that maneuver. They cut the cord and one of the EMT’s took Hannah to the ambulance to suction her out. Then they told us they usually call the time of birth five minutes before they cut the cord. It was 11:17, so we called the time of birth 11:12. Then they started to get me onto the stretcher, but there was a guy standing on the corner who wouldn’t go away. I think he was waiting for the light to turn so he could cross. The EMT in charge yelled to him, “Sir, we need you to move along. I’m trying to get her on the stretcher, and she doesn’t have many clothes on!” Why he felt the need to share this information, I will never know. It sure didn’t make the guy move any faster. I told him it was fine, and we got me onto the stretcher. I had never been on one before! I got into the ambulance and they handed Hannah to me. They told me she had given a really good cry when they suctioned her out, and I felt better. She wasn’t gray (if she ever had been to begin with), but she wasn’t all pink yet. I think the EMT told the hospital on the radio she was still a little “blue”. But they did not seem concerned for her, so I wasn’t either.

We drove the .4 miles over to the ER and the EMT asked me all sorts of questions about my health and then my address. He spent a lot of time trying to figure out what part of Murfreesboro I lived in, which was weird. Then we were at the ER door. When they opened the doors, I could see Mom, Dad, and David. I gave them a big smile and thumbs up! As soon as Hannah had been born, I had felt very good. I was probably high as a kite on adrenaline! I was a bit nervous when she wouldn’t cry, but other than that I was feeling really happy and calm. I didn’t feel any pain.

They got me out of the ambulance, and I probably said something to Mom and Dad, I don’t remember. But dad took my picture as they rolled me past. Then I started feeling discomfort. I hadn’t delivered the placenta yet, and I felt pressure and some pain from that. I told the EMT’s that I felt like I needed to raise up or lean back or something so it could come out, but they told me we were about to roll through a crowded ER and I might want to stay covered up. It was ok, but I felt uncomfortable. So we rolled in, and the front desk told them to take me straight up to labor and delivery, that they were expecting us. I guess someone understood David’s phone call even without giving all the proper information. As they rolled me along, the medical staff was all waving and telling me “Congratulations!” I’m pretty sure I smiled and waved back. It was like being in a parade!

Then I heard “Wait for us!” behind me. It was the L&D nurses. They asked if I was Annie’s patient who left and I told them I was. They said she thought it might be me! They asked me and the EMT some questions as we went into the room right next to where I had been admitted (and discharged) a few hours ago. In the L&D room Mom was there. I think she followed me on the stretcher maybe. But David wasn’t there. I asked someone to go find him. They introduced me to a new midwife who would be taking care of me, and asked more questions.

It’s all a little blurry but here are the things I remember that happened, but I am not sure of the order. Mom took some pictures of me, David, and Hannah. A nursery nurse took Hannah to the bassinet to check on her. The nurses laughed because the EMT’s cut the cord so long. The placenta was delivered and the student midwife before asked if I wanted to see it. I did, but I never got to because when she was about to show it to me they started giving me shots to numb me up before they did stitches. I had to hold her hand cause I was scared! They kept telling me I had already done the hard part, shots and stitches were nothing! I beg to differ. Fear has much more to do with pain than the actual pain. Annie came in and kissed me on the forehead and told me I had done so well and then was gone. The nurse got me up and took me to the bathroom, and I really wanted to go, but I couldn’t. They gave me a snack, but I don’t remember what it was.They tried to give me some medicine and scanned my bracelet, but it didn’t work because I still had the bracelet from our first visit when I was discharged on my arm, and they hadn’t gotten around to giving me a new one yet! I tried to nurse Hannah and she immediately latched right on! I was able to nurse her for around 15 minutes, which is so good for a newborn.  And the hand sanitizer bottle on the bassinet had gotten pressed up against the wall or something and had squirted a big foamy mess on the side of the bassinet and the nurses were laughing and cleaning it up.  

I asked David if he had told his parents. I wish I could’ve heard his mom’s reaction. She and Lindsay had talked for weeks about how there was no way David could handle delivering a baby on the side of the road. Well, it seems that he can handle it just fine, thank you very much! I asked David if she screamed and he said he didn’t know. Poor guy was still shaking! He says it took him about 5 hours to stop shaking. He had been terrified (and rightfully so with all the screaming I was doing- sorry again, baby!) but he had still done everything right! I am so proud of his courage!

We got into the postpartum room and my parents came in to talk to us and see Hannah. It was probably 2 am I think by then David had told them what happened, but if not, I probably filled them in on some details. They had not been right behind us in the car because Dad was still getting our stuff together. We also took different routes. David couldn’t remember how to get back to the hospital, so who knows which way we came! He said God must have directed his turns because he had no idea what he was doing. I remember there being pretty much all green lights and no traffic! A miracle, for real! Mom and Dad finally went back to the hotel to sleep. I was really glad they would get more use out of it. David was about to settle down on his cot when I remembered I had packed him a change of clothes. He was really glad because his had blood on them.

I think I finally went to sleep around 3 after feeding Hannah again and getting her to sleep. I sent this message to our small group “For any of you still up: Hannah has arrived! She showed up around 11:12 when we were on our way back to the hospital. That’s right. She was born in the car. This is not a joke!!! David and I delivered her and then the ambulance showed up! Everyone is healthy and finally calming down! It was an exciting night! Love you all!!”

Through sharing this experience, people have asked me a few questions, and I want to answer them here in case you are wondering the same thing.

1. Aren’t you so upset that they told you to go home at the hospital? This is my answer: no. I’m not upset. I was frustrated when it happened because someone had to pay for a hotel room, but not because I was being sent “home”. I do get upset when people ask me this question, because I feel like I have to justify what happened. There are so many factors that went into the medical staff’s decision and my decision, and so many things that could have happened differently. I can’t explain the choices we made to make anyone feel better. I get that people are upset for me, but I am not upset. If I were upset, I would be harboring bitterness and that is not helpful or productive. I don’t feel bitterness or anger or regret, so I am not going to engage in those feelings to defend a decision that was made.

2. What happened to the car?  Our friend Kirby told her son about Hannah’s birth and his response was “Well now they have to get rid of their car!” No, we did not get rid of it. I had decided before labor began that I would drive to the hospital in my car since it has leather seats, and would be easier to clean if needed. And it was definitely needed! As David told me, “You have no idea the mess it made when you got up out of that car!” No, no I don’t. I did not look back! When we were discussing what to do about the car, my Dad called our friend and car expert, Bobby Smithson, who recommended contacting our insurance. Geico said for the cost of our deductible they would set up a meeting with someone who could clean it. So just in case you were wondering, that’s an option! David did a little more digging, and found a company who would come to us, instead of us taking the car to them. In our situation, that was much more convenient! So we had a professional service come to the parking garage and clean it. It was funny when David went to meet them, he said the guy was not in a marked car or anything. He said he could have just been anyone! But he did a great job because when I got to the car, I could not tell anything had ever happened! Score!

3. How will your insurance bill you for this? So far, we have gotten a bill for my care, which was itemized and correct for the services I did receive. It lists all the things they did when I was at the hospital, but does not say “birth”.  We have also gotten a bill for my postpartum room and care, which was not itemized enough for my liking. I have requested a more itemized one. It listed “labor and delivery” and that is the part I want itemized. Because, yes,  I was in a L&D room, but I want to make sure we are only charged for what services we received in the room, and not a blanket L&D cost. But it could be that there is just a standard rate for being in a room, whether or not you actually birthed there. So we will see! I might come back and edit when we get everything finalized. I am imagining it will be the same as everyone else pays, minus the anesthesiologist’s bill. Thus far, Dr. David Person MD has not billed the hospital for his delivery fees.

4. Were you terrified? Umm, not terrified. During labor, your body really takes over and your mind has to take a backseat (haha). I was definitely screaming, but not because I was scared, or even because it hurt so much, but because that was just what I had to do during pushing. I only had two things that did scare me: figuring out how to give Hannah room to come out and her not immediately crying. Everything happened so fast, I didn’t really have time to be very afraid! My water probably broke around 10:45 and we immediately went to the car. The car ride was 6 minutes according to google maps, and we probably only drove for 5 before I told David to pull over. She was born at 11:12, so between my water breaking and her delivery was most likely not even 30 minutes. Not much time to freak out!     I honestly think I experienced less fear by laboring away from the hospital. At the hotel, I didn’t know how far along I was. If I had been in the hospital with people telling me how far along I was, I would have just been anticipating pushing and that pain. I think that would have made me very nervous. So I am actually really happy with how it all turned out! I was able to labor without being afraid. David and I were able to be together during labor and bring our baby into the world together! Not many couples get that chance. I was able to have an intervention free birth, which I what I wanted to experience. I was able to let my body do what it was created to do! Most people I talk to expect me to say it was a horrible experience, but truly, it was like a roller coaster. Scary and awesome, and I would totally do it again! But no one would let me… I JOKINGLY said to David if we had another baby it would be a home birth, because he could totally deliver a baby again! He did not see any humor in that…

So that is the story! I hope I answered all your questions, but if not, let me know and I will! I have really enjoyed thinking back on Hannah’s birth, and how beautiful it all was, and how God took care of us. The word that keeps cropping up is surprise. When I thought about surprise in the Bible, I thought of other babies! Like when Sarah laughed and Mary sang in surprise to find out they were pregnant. I looked up surprise on Bible Gateway, just to see what else would come up, and this is the verse I saw: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

This is from Isaiah, and since I was brought up by John King teaching me not to pull stuff randomly from the Bible, I went back and read more. The passage that verse comes from is not a passage where God is arrogantly telling his people how mighty and all powerful he is. It comes from a passage about how good the Lord is! How he invites those who have nothing to give to take as much as they need, and he promises his love to his people forever.

What a lovely reminder that my plans are not always the plans God has laid out for me. I don’t mean where Hannah was born, but those feelings I had of being out of control during my pregnancy. My feeling out of control was not for my detriment. Like a good parent caring for a baby, God has thoughts that I could never understand that are full of love and care. I hope the next time I am surprised by plans I have not laid out, I will remember my sweet Hannah’s story. I hope I will remember to trust in ways higher than mine.

Avery's Birth Story (long story)

The story of my son's birth is, I think, a beautiful one. This story can be very long, or very short . if you're someone who likes the short version, here it is: “Avery was born and he was healthy and I was healthy, too.” I, personally, like the long version better. But you know what? That's a beautiful story right there. So even though i am about to share with you a long, detailed, birth story, I want to point out that is not the details or length that make this story beautiful. The beauty lies in the miracle of the story, either way you tell it.

Now, here's the long version.

Avery Arrives: A Birth in Five Acts

Introduction:

I had been researching birth for months before i was pregnant. To me, it is an endlessly fascinating topic. The physical aspect of what goes on in mom and baby's bodies. The emotional aspect of how women see their experience afterward. The spiritual aspect of doing the impossible. All fascinating. I had discovered that i was in favor of giving my body a chance to do what it was created to do, which is give birth naturally.

Here was my plan: Let labor start naturally, stay at home until contractions were 5 minutes apart, go to Vanderbilt to deliver, use as few drugs as possible, breathe the baby out. That is the short version. The long version included a list of what I wanted to do during early labor at home (bake cookies for the nurses), what music I wanted playing during different stages of labor (Circle of Life during delivery, please), how I wanted to labor in the hospital (put me in the tub), and what David was going to do during all of this (“Drink more water, honey!”).

Another part of my plan was the Vanderbilt Nurse Midwives. A lot of friends had questions for me when I told them I was going to see a midwife. “Are you having the baby at home?” “You aren’t going to have any drugs?” “Where do you go for check ups?” “Is a real doctor going to be there if something goes wrong?” The Vanderbilt nurse midwives are amazing and I will happily talk about them all day long and recommend them to everyone! They are a group of nurses who got their Master’s degree in midwifery. When I went for check ups I went to an office that was very much like a typical OB GYN office. The midwives’ believe birth is a natural and positive thing that does not require intervention unless there is a problem. So some women who use their services go completely natural with no drugs, but others do not. The midwives deliver at Vanderbilt, so all drugs/equipment are available to them and their patients. The women they care for are healthy women with typical pregnancies. They do not care for twins, breech presentation, or high risk moms. Most of the women they care for do not need an OB GYN to assist during their birth, but if the need arises, they are available.

I had a wonderful experience working with these women! I loved the way they would give me information and allow me to make choices without any judgement. They were always very positive, helpful, and calm. They were incredibly supportive, and I am extremely grateful that I chose to have them care for us!

Before the birth, we had prayed for a few things: a safe delivery, for David to be able to feel comfortable enough to support me, for Annie or Bethany to be our midwife, for me to labor in a tub at the hospital, and for a joyful birthing experience. Our friends and family had been praying for those things, and as always, God gave us precisely what we needed.

In the wonderful birth class David and I took in preparation for Avery’s arrival we learned that first time  mothers who do not induce labor average 41 weeks 3 days before they give birth. This is the equivalent of the baby being “10 days late”. Apparently Avery heard that statistic, and knowing how much his mama loves statistics, facts, and data, decided to stick to the average schedule. He was due November 15, a week and a half later… we were still waiting!

Act 1: A “Routine Check Up”

Avery Person was due November 15, 2014. I never for one minute believed he would be born on that day. I almost believed he would be born on the 13th because 4 of our family members were traveling out of town that day. I knew he was going to be late. I was fine with it. I was blessed with a very healthy and comfortable pregnancy. I loved being pregnant! However, it was November 24th, and I was feeling like I had been pregnant all year long! I was ready for something to happen.

Mostly, I was nervous about Nikki. My sweet sister had taken 2 weeks off from school in Kansas to be here for the birth of her nephew. She was due to return to Kansas on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Here it was the Monday before Thanksgiving, and Avery was still quite comfortable inside my belly… I didn’t want her to have come for all this time and not even get to see him!

While I was worried that Avery would be so slow to arrive that she would have to go back to Kansas and miss it, I was also very grateful for the time we got to spend together before he was born. Nikki didn’t get to see me for most of the pregnancy, so we tried to cram a lot of “pregnant sister” experiences into the time. There was a lot of feeling my belly, looking at my belly, looking at and re-organizing all Avery’s baby clothes, and me sitting around while Nikki fetched me things. Glorious!

Since I was past my due date the midwife I saw at my last check up, Linda, told me that we would be watching Avery closely. Monday we would do a non stress test, Wednesday have a BPP ultrasound, and on Sunday induce me if he was still not here. My parents were trying to make plans for NIkki to stay a few extra days if Avery was born on Sunday, and I was stressed out about it.

Nikki and I were going to the midwife Monday the 24th for a non-stress test. At this point I was 9 days past due, and the midwives wanted to keep a very close eye on how Avery was progressing. Their idea was as long as he is healthy and growing inside, we will be patient. I completely agreed and did not want to rush. My body would know when it was time. Around 3 am I woke up with contractions that I guessed were about 10 minutes apart. It felt like a cramp. It was uncomfortable and woke me up, but I was able to keep resting. I told David and he decided he would work from home, just in case labor did really start going.

Now- if you aren’t familiar with birth- you might think this is the part when you start huffing and go to the hospital. No. This is “early labor” and it can last for days. In our class we learned that once contractions started to get longer, stronger, and closer together that it would be time to think about the hospital. The magic number we were looking for was 5 minutes apart. So at this point, resting and going about business as usual was the best thing to do.

I got up a few hours later and decided to make some rice krispie treats. I had planned on baking for the nurses during my early labor so that when we got the hospital, I would have something to give them. I was excited that something was actually happening, so it was time to bake! While I was up and about my contractions really slowed down to about one an hour. Good thing we didn’t go to the hospital, right? I was a little discouraged, but I knew patience was the name of this labor game, and I was going to be the best player and just wait it out. So I made the treats and left them to set. I called Nikki and told her she would need to drive to the appointment since I was having contractions. She was bringing me a Chik-fil-a breakfast because Linda, the midwife, told me I needed to eat a good sugary meal before the non-stress test to get Avery moving. On our way to Nashville I ate my chicken and biscuit, but couldn’t drink any sweet tea. I was a bit nauseous, and just didn't think it was a good idea. As I look back, I regret this decision.

At my appointment I had my weight and blood pressure checked as always. Then Annie, my primary midwife came in to check my progress. Up until this appointment, I had not been checked. And none of the midwives had put pressure on me to be checked. I loved this! What good does it do a woman to know she is 2 cm dilated when you could be 2 cm dilated for weeks? At this check up, though, I did want to be checked. When Annie did the check, she told me I was 2cm dilated and 60% effaced. For you non-birth people that means my cervix was open 2 cm and 60% dissolved. Then she hooked up the non stress test, which is just two monitors wrapped around my belly that show baby’s heart rate printed out on a strip of paper. They wanted to monitor for around 20 minutes so they could see him go through a contraction. Ideally baby’s heartbeat will rise during a contraction.

Annie hooked up the machine and Nikki and I waited and listened. Then I heard something I did not like. I heard my baby’s heartbeat get slow. Much slower than I had ever heard it. I sat up and stared at the machine, but nothing happened. A moment later, his heartbeat was back up to normal. Nikki and I chatted for the next 20 minutes and then a nurse came in to look at the strip. She didn’t say anything and left, which struck me as odd. Then Annie came back in and told me that they saw Avery’s heart decelerate during a contraction. I told her I had heard it and asked what we needed to do.

She said that we needed to go to the hospital for more monitoring, and then they would make a decision. She said that they may just do more heart monitoring, or do an ultrasound, or even decide to do an emergency C section. She looked right into my eyes when she was telling me all this. Her face was calm, but serious. Somehow that transferred to me, as well. I felt very calm, but knew that something serious was happening.

I thought about what she was saying and realized that my birth plan had just flown out the window.Then came a jumble of thoughts…  Oh my goodness, David! David at home in his pajamas working on his laptop. I have to tell him something is wrong. I hope he won’t freak out. I am going to the hospital. I might have my baby now. Or I might not. They want us to go right now. My sister is the only one here! If we get to the hospital before David does they might make me have a C section before he gets here. I have to stall so that we can be together. What should I tell him to bring? Our bags, of course, but what about my rice krispie treats I made?!

All of these thoughts ran through my mind as I put my clothes back on and left the office. Luckily, Nikki was calm, too. We decided I would call David and then we would drive to the hospital, 2 minutes away. Then we would sit in the parking garage until David was en route. I knew it was important for Avery to be monitored, but I was trying to balance that urgency with letting David get to the hospital! I could not let the baby be born without him there! I called David and told him to bring our bags and come to the hospital. I asked him what we should tell our families. We didn’t want to alarm them, but also didn’t want them to potentially miss the birth. We decided to tell them and let them decide if they wanted to come to the hospital or not. My parents decided they would come immediately (Kathy Johnson finally got to spring into action). David’s parents decided to wait until we knew what was happening (this was a very wise decision).

Act II: The Hospital- Triage

I navigated Nikki to the hospital parking garage and we sat in the car until David called to say he was on the way. Poor thing! He had to get up, get dressed, get our stuff, and call his family to tell them what was happening. But he handled it like a champ! Once I felt confident David would be there in enough time that he wouldn’t miss anything, Nikki and I headed up and I was put in a triage room. Nurse Mickey was there and strapped me on the fetal heart monitor, just like at the midwife's office. She saw Avery’s heart rate was a bit low and asked me if he was asleep. I told her that he sleeps all day, and I usually never feel him really move until the night. She told me that he’d better wake up and get moving (I should have had that Chik-fil-a sweet tea…). She brought me a huge cup of cranberry and grape juice and ice and told me to chug it to get him moving. I obediently chugged. If you know me, you know I am a very slow drinker. But for my baby, I channeled my inner frat boy and gulped it all down.

Nurse Mickey came in again and said it still wasn’t good enough. His heart had gone down during a contraction. She had me flip over on one side, then the other, to help Avery move. Maybe he had rolled onto his umbilical cord and had cut off his oxygen. After a few minutes, Mickey went to get me more juice and David arrived!

The next time Mickey came in, Avery’s heart had dropped and she was not happy! She told me if it happened again I was getting a ticket to the operating room. She made me nervous, but I also felt like she was really paying attention to us and was taking good care of us. She wanted Avery to be safe, and to her the safest thing was to get him out, ASAP. Well, once again Avery’s heart decelerated. Nurse Mickey came in and decided she should start an IV. I was extremely nervous about getting an IV. I had never had one before, and I had hoped to labor without one. Nurse Mickey put the IV into my hand, but missed the vein. She was about to try it again when my midwife, Linda, came into the room. She was not happy that an IV was going into my hand. In her mind, we needed to wait and watch Avery for a bit longer before we made a decision. She told us that he could be just fine, his heartbeat kept coming back strong everytime it would go down. He could be rolling over his cord, which could happen all the time, but it was just now we were seeing it on the monitor. She told the nurse to take the IV out and that we would monitor a while longer and then make a decision together.

I felt like I was rescued! The scary IV was gone, and my anxious feelings were gone. We would be patient. We would make the decision together. I wasn’t going to be rushed to the OR!

We waited until Linda had a good “tape” for Avery- meaning his heart rate had been good enough for a long period of time. She showed it to the doctors on the labor and delivery floor, and they recommended I go ahead and have the ultrasound that I was supposed to have on Wednesday, just to be sure Avery was ok. The ultrasound would be looking for four things: muscle tone, movement, amniotic fluid level, and breathing. I felt fine about having another ultrasound. We would get to see our baby again! I was getting tired of sitting in the hospital, but the waiting had just begun…

Three hours later I was wheeled down for the ultrasound. An attendant came and rolled my bed down through the hospital to radiology. In my hospital gown. Past all sorts of people. One of which, works at my school and asked me if I was having the baby now. I said, “I don’t know!” and hoped she didn’t think I was being rude…

The ultrasound did not make me feel better. It made me feel much worse. This was not a happy “There is your sweet baby’s foot!” kind of ultrasound. It was a “Be quiet because I have to concentrate because I am looking for problems” kind of ultrasound. Again, Avery wouldn’t move. We tried everything to get him awake, but my baby loves to sleep. The tech did not seem happy at the end of our time, and I was feeling terrible. This was all my fault. I hadn’t tried hard enough to wake him up. If only I had eaten something right before we came down, or kept drinking that juice. Then he would have moved around and shown everyone he was fine! But now, because I hadn’t tried hard enough, everyone would think there was something wrong and I would have to make a decision I didn’t want to make. I was so upset. It was the lowest point of his birth for me.

They wheeled me back upstairs (again, all through the hospital in my gown. So embarrassing! I could have gotten dressed and walked!) and Linda wa waiting there for us. She already had the results and she could tell I was upset. “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?” she asked. “I think so.” I told her. But then, she surprised me. She told me that Avery’s movement was not good, but more than that, my amniotic fluid was low. It was so low, in fact, that they were recommending that I be induced. I was so surprised, and I felt better. It wasn’t my fault! There was an actual problem. Something that wasn’t circumstantial, or that I could have tried harder to change. My amniotic fluid was low, and that made the choice obvious. Avery would be safer and healthier if he were born quickly. I was so relieved! I could agree to the decision with no guilt or questioning. Inducing was definitely the right thing to do.

It was now 5:00 pm (Nikki and I had been there since 10:00am, my parents and David had been there since noon) and we were told to go rest, eat, and get our stuff. They would admit me at 7:00 pm and start the induction. One of the nurses told me to go eat something “really yummy”, so I decided on Mellow Mushroom, which is right across the street from the hospital. David and I decided to go alone, since it would be our last meal together before Avery arrived. We called the Persons and asked them to bring some things we had left at home. During dinner we texted a lot to catch everyone up on the day’s excitement. We didn’t talk much, what do you say when you know your life is going to change forever as soon as you finish your pizza?

Next to us was a sweet family. A couple and their young son. I couldn’t help thinking, “That will be us soon.” Our friend from college, Skylar, was working as the manager and came by our table. We told her this was a very special meal (the last supper)  and she congratulated us and gave a coupon for a free pizza. So sweet. The couple next to us overheard, and congratulated us, too. The mom told me that having a son was wonderful. Then they started reminiscing about the time right before their son was born. I was just very overwhelmed, so I ate my pizza in silence. I was also having contractions about every 20 minutes again, and they were stronger. Much to David’s dismay, I ordered a brownie sundae to finish off my meal. He reminded me that I could throw up in labor, and I told him I really didn’t care at this point. I wanted pizza and a brownie! But I did try not to eat too much…

Act III: Labor and Delivery

At 7:00 we were back at the hospital checking in. My parents were there with us in the waiting room, and David’s parents were on their way. We went back into our room and met our nurse, Rachel. She was very laid back and calm. She also kept dropping  things, which made me feel like she was a real person, and made me feel much better. One of the first things she did was put in my IV. My hope of laboring without one was gone since I was being induced. I was nervous, but David was right there. After she got it in, it was not as bad as I thought. She also put it up higher on my forearm, and that made me feel better, too. It wouldn’t be in the way so much there. That’s what I was afraid of with the IV. That every time I moved, it would bother me. We took a picture of the IV and sent it to Andi, who had been very upset at the thought of me not having an IV during labor. Now she would know I was being compliant.

The midwife on call was the only one I had not yet met, Lori. She was very nice and I was instantly comfortable with her. She checked my progress and said I was at 4 cm and 70% effaced. Because my cervix was 70% dissolved already, they decided not to give me drugs to soften it. But we did go ahead and start pitocin. Pitocin is the synthetic form of your body’s natural chemical, oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the “love” hormone, it makes you feel attached to people and helps you bond. It also starts labor. Pitocin makes your body go into labor and helps contractions come more quickly. It can also make contractions much stronger than your body would naturally. Knowing this, I knew that I could quickly be having very strong (and painful) contractions. I was nervous about the pitocin starting. I wondered how long it would take and what it would feel like.

It was around 9:30 when they started the pitocin. I think our families came in then and gave us hugs and talked to us for a bit. Then we were told to try to rest, so David and I watched a documentary about Wayne White. He is an artist who worked on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, and he was a graduate of MTSU. We had seen him talk there, so the documentary was interesting. I was a bit distracted, though, because I was having some strong contractions. Every two minutes. I remembered Lori had said something about talking when my contractions were 2 minutes apart because it might be time to push. So i nervously told nurse Rachel about my contractions. She looked at my monitor and went to talk to Lori. They came in together and told me they weren't picking up any contractions with the monitor. Umm.. Excuse me, but i was having contractions!

Lori said she wanted to put in an internal uterine catheter to monitor the contractions better. From the inside. That was not something I had expected. But I agreed because I needed her to be able to see that I was having strong contractions close together. Avery’s heart had also had a deceleration, and the monitor would help them understand if his decels were connected to my contractions. Lori put in the catheter, and while it didn’t hurt, it certainly wasn’t comfortable. Soon after she confirmed that I was, indeed, having strong contractions every two minutes! Told ya!!

We decided that we would continue the pitocin for a bit longer because I was not yet dilated all the way to 10. She asked me about my pain. Initially, I had wanted to labor without drugs if I could. Then I wanted to try the “laughing gas” nitrous oxide that Vanderbilt offers if I needed something. However, being induced had changed everything. I knew pitocin could make my contractions stronger than my body would naturally, so I had decided beforehand that if I got induced, I would have an epidural. I told Lori that I thought I could continue with this amount of pain for another hour or two. Then she told me it would likely be 6 or 8 hours! “Bring me the drugs!” I replied.

We were told the epidural team could take up to an hour to get into our room, and then it could take even longer for the procedure to take place and the drugs to take effect. So our nurse went ahead and immediately paged the anesthesiologists. She recommended I go to the bathroom one more time since getting an epidural also meant getting a catheter and not being able to get up anymore. So now our prayer changed from “Let me be able to handle labor” to “let the drugs work without side effects!” As soon as I was done in the bathroom, the anesthesiologists showed up! No waiting at all!

I was very nervous to get the epidural, mostly because they have to tell you all the possible terrible things that could happen right before you agree to the procedure. There was a team of 4 people. One guy stayed at the computer the whole time. The other three were behind me working on my epidural. They raised my bed up and had me sit up and dangle my legs over the side. They told David to sit in a chair right in front of me, and I put my feet on his legs. They gave me a pillow to hold and told me to be still and stare at David. They told me I would feel a “bee sting” and after that all I felt was pressure. A moment later I felt what they called a “zinger” down my arm. Kind of like when you bang your elbow on something and get that funny bone feeling. I only felt the “zinger” on my right side, so I worried that it was only working on one side. The team adjusted it some more, and then it was done! So much simpler than I had anticipated! In about 15 minutes, I had no feeling in my legs at all! No pain, nothing. It was pretty amazing! I may have said “Drugs are awesome!” several times… to anyone who would listen...

It was around 11:30 at this point, and the plan was for David and I to sleep while I was so comfortable. Our families came in to tell us goodnight. I felt bad that they were going to spend the night in the waiting room! But I knew they wouldn’t go home. I told them to, though. David’s aunt Pam had come to see us, and she did finally go home to sleep. Smart lady. At midnight the nurse asked if I wanted anything to help me sleep. If you know me, you know I do not ever need help sleeping. I told her no and fell asleep. They had gotten David a cot set up next to my bed, so he slept, too.

Act IV: Avery Causes Drama

We were awakened at 3:15 am by nurses flipping me over. While I was sleeping, Avery’s heart had decelerated again. Lori came in and told us gently, but firmly, that this was not safe for Avery, and if it continued, we could not let labor go on. There was a real possibility we would have a C-section. We decided to let Avery try a bit longer, but we would turn off the pitocin to let him rest. Lori also broke my water and put an internal fetal monitor on Avery’s scalp so we could monitor his heart more closely. When the nurses would flip me over, the external monitors were slipping around and we were losing his heart beat. The internal monitor would eliminate that. With my epidural, I did not feel that monitor go in, and that made me much more comfortable. Lori told me I was 6 cm dilated, and that Avery was actually descended lower than I was dilated. He was trying to get out! She said that meant he would have a pretty great cone head when he was born.

I tried to rest some more, but it seemed every time I got relaxed, Avery would have a decel, and people would come in to flip me over and over. Around 5:00 we signed consent to have a C-section. David and I were not happy about the idea of surgery, but even though I wasn’t happy, I was peaceful. I knew exactly why a C-section was necessary, and I felt confident that it was the best thing to do. We had been patient and tried to let Avery do better on his own, but now we needed to take action. Our poor family in the waiting room had been concerned for us. We had tried to give them as much information as we could, but things were happening quickly and we didn’t always have time for David to keep them current. So at 5:00 when we had consented to the C-section, they came in to give us hugs. They all seemed sad, or at least thought I was sad, since this had not been what we wanted. But I tried to express that we knew it was best for Avery, so I felt like it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t what we planned, but it was what we needed.

The nurses gave me a hat, and David an OR outfit. He put on the shoe covers. The surgical team came in to meet us and talk to us about the procedure. We were told Lori would come in with us. She had no official job in the operating room, except to be with us and support us. That made me feel so much better. She would be there and tell me what was going on, and help everything seem less scary. They told us they could put up a sheet with a window so I could see what was happening, but it seemed like I wouldn’t be able to have the skin to skin time immediately after birth that I wanted.

I was a little sad about that, but I remembered when Jovi was born. Leif had brought her to the nursery and we had all gathered around the window looking at her. It was such a sweet, joyful time! I felt happy knowing my family could have that experience. The last thing they told us was that a couple had come in with a breech baby, and that they needed to get them into surgery first. Then it would be our turn.

David and I talked a little. We were feeling the same. Not excited about surgery, but understanding it was best. I tried to rest, and David texted our families to tell them we were still waiting to go back. At some point we (me and my Dad) had texted some friends to tell them a C-section seemed imminent, and to pray that Avery’s heart would buck up and that he would be strong enough for labor. Well, as I tried to rest, our prayers were answered! Avery’s heart had been decellerating with each contraction, but now it was beginning to go up during contractions! That was exactly what the midwife and nurses wanted to see! They came in, and I expected them to tell us it was time for surgery, but instead they told me that Avery seemed to be cooperating, at last! There was no need for a c-section if his heart was so strong.

It was almost time for the shift change, so Lori told us the new midwife would check my progress and we would make a decision from there. She seemed so happy for us, and she came back in right before she left to tell us she was sorry it had been a scary night. I told her she had really helped it not be too scary. Keeping us informed and her patience had really made me feel at ease.

When we asked who the new midwife coming in would be, I was so excited! It was Bethany! She was one of the midwives I had prayed would be with us. I met Bethany at a conference for Fearless Birth in Murfreesboro the day I found out I was pregnant. I had seen her in the office one other time, and had felt very good about our connection. She has a great, quiet energy about her. The way she explains things is thorough, and I feel like she is very knowledgable. I just love her! We also got a new nurse, Aspen. She wore a bandana tied in her hair like Rosie the Riveter, and I regret not asking her how she did it. Aspen was super sweet, and calm. I loved her and Bethany, and they were such a great team!

Bethany came into our room after the shift change at 7:00 and said, “We’ve been fooling around all night. It’s time to have a “moment of truth””. We decided to turn the pitocin back on. If Avery was ok, we would proceed and as soon as I was dilated to 10 start pushing. If he started to decel again, we would go straight to a C-section. I agreed. Avery had been doing well for about an hour, and we needed to know if he could endure big contractions to get him ready for pushing. The pitocin was turned back on for around 40 minutes and I went from 6 cm to 10 cm! Bethany was very pleased and told me that was not just the drugs, but that my body was ready. We decided I would rest for about an hour and then start pushing. We were excited! Things were finally going forward and everything was good!

I decided I wanted to put a movie on while I was resting so I could just doze and watch the movie. So David and I started looking through all the movies on the hospital TV. We chose WallE and I settled in to rest. Then, all of a sudden, Bethany and Aspen rushed into my room. Bethany came straight to me and got close to my face. She told me that a lot of people were about to come into our room. Apparently Avery’s heart had a big decel, and that had set off an alarm to all of the hospital staff to come in to help! My midwife and nurses, the surgical team, the nursery team and the NICU team all ran in! One of them was a guy with a British accent who told me “Your baby is causing a lot of drama!” So of course I wanted to start asking him where he was from, but it was not the time. Someone told me they were giving me a shot in my arm to stop my contractions and that it would sting. I remember wanting to say, “Shots make me nervous.” but that seemed like I stupid thing to do in an emergency. So I just nodded.

The nurses flipped me over a few times and Avery was ok. Then one of the OBGYN’s did an exam. She told me that they would go ahead and let me push since I was dilated to 10, but if Avery did that again, she would come in with forceps (basically salad tongs) and get him out. She wanted us to understand the procedure with forceps and meet her, so if she came in during an emergency we would know what was happening. We agreed to that plan.

During the exam, she said, “This baby has floppy ears.” “You are touching my baby’s ear right now?!” I replied. I was amazed and a little weirded out. She told me she was trying to determine which way his head was turned and feeling his ears usually would tell her. But Avery’s ears were so floppy it was hard to tell. She finally figured out his head was turned to the left. She wanted him to turn face down as he moved down farther. She had all the information she needed. She told us she hoped she would not have to come back, but if she did she would pull him out quickly. Then everyone left our room and we were able to rest.

We didn’t know until later that our families in the waiting room had seen the entire hospital staff run into our room. And it really scared them! Sorry guys!! See, it was really my fault that Avery had a big decel. Earlier during the morning I had figured out that when I heard his heart monitor slow down, if I would wiggle just right and breathe deeply from my oxygen mask, then his heart would go back up! David was watching the monitors, and got really good at reading them. So I would hear Avery’s heart slow down and I would wiggle and suck in the oxygen from my mask in just this particular way. Then David would tell me when his heart was good again. I had done this religiously (superstitiously?) since we thought we were going into surgery. It made me feel productive, like I was helping Avery. I know it probably had nothing to do with anything, and I knew it then, too, but it felt good to have a ritual. Anyway, I forgot all about it in the happiness of being told we could push, and picking the movie… So that’s when he had the big decel and everyone and a British guy came in to help us and it scared my mom to death.

Act V: Avery Arrives

We continued the plan to rest. David ate breakfast, I dozed on and off, and our families came in to talk to us. It was nice and calm. Then a bit more than an hour later Bethany came in and asked if I wanted to push. Very casual- like, “Hey, want to push? See if a baby comes out?” So at 10:15 I started pushing. I had read all about “breathing the baby out”. Working with your body’s contractions to ease baby into the world. I was all about it! I did not get to do it at all! That was not going to work for us for two reasons. 1- I could not feel what my body was doing due to my fabulous drugs. I did let the epidural wear off during pushing, so at the end I could feel contractions. But in the beginning, I was not feeling anything. 2- I had been told at my first exam by my primary midwife, Annie, that I have a narrow pelvic arch so pushing would be difficult. She recommended I push on my side or even on all fours. Again, when you can’t move your legs, its difficult to do that… So Aspen propped me up on my side with all these pillows, but I think by the end I was just lying on my back. Nothing like what I had imagined!

So pushing began and Bethany told me she would tell me when a contraction was happening and I was supposed to push as hard as I could for 3 good long pushes. Aspen would count each time and tell me when to stop. Then we would wait for another contraction. After the first set of pushes, Bethany and Aspen were excited because they could already see Avery’s hair! I remember Bethany telling me, “Oh yeah, you are going to push this baby out all on your own- no problem!” I was excited, too! Then we decided I wanted the mirror. They have a big mirror so that moms can see how productive their pushing is. I was nervous to have it because I thought it might cause David to puke, or pass out, or both. So I asked him if he thought it would be ok, and he said yes! What? Where was my everything-medical-makes-me-nauseous husband? Who was this brave birth coach guy? I was so in love with him right then. Yes- that is weird. I know. But he supported me perfectly when I needed it most and that meant everything to me.

So we got the mirror in place, and it was so cool. It was also gross and kinda weird, but mostly cool. I asked Bethany how long it usually took ladies with epidurals to push. She said it varies, but they usually don’t allow pushing past three hours. So we texted our families and told them that Avery would be here in 3 hours or sooner. My contractions were 5 minutes apart, so I would push, push, push then lay back and breathe in my oxygen mask and rest. I got some ice chips, and I was allowed to drink my Life Water again (when they thought I was having a C-section they told me not to drink anymore, but since we were past that I could have liquids). They got a cool cloth for my head and that was really nice, too. So I pushed for an hour and as far as I could tell, nothing was happening. I asked Bethany about it. She kept telling me we were making great progress, but I was worried because of the three hour limit. She told me not to look at the clock, and not worry about it. She was sure I could push him out just fine. So I trusted her, and did not look at the clock anymore. Very unlike me, but a very good decision.

I ended up pushing for all of the three hour time limit! Now when I say “I pushed for three hours.” most people are sympathetic and tell me how tough I must be. Well, it wasn’t really that intense. Shhh. Don’t tell. I want everyone to keep thinking I’m tough. But I would push three times, then rest for five minutes until the next contraction. At first I just chatted with Aspen and Bethany and David. We talked about how awesome my Barre class was for preparing me for labor, and we talked about Bethany’s son and his birth. We just talked like friends hanging out. Except every five minutes those friends would hoist my legs up and I would try to push a baby out of me. David ended up getting in on the action, too, as the human stirrup. He was so encouraging, and offered me ice chips and my cool cloth after each push.

About half way through, the “purple pushing” as it is called was taking a bit of a toll. I felt like the blood vessels in my eyes were going to pop. I asked if that ever happened- or at least I thought that is what I asked. David says I asked if anyone’s head ever exploded from pushing… 2 and a half hours in, Avery started the labor dance where his head would come out a bit, and then retract back in. It was pretty frustrating to watch, but I knew it would happen thanks to our wonderful birth class. I understood it was good for Avery and me for him to ease out this way. But it was so annoying!

Then I started feeling pressure. Like crazy, insane pressure. It didn’t hurt, but it did make me anxious, because I knew my body could not take that for very long. That went on for around 30 minutes, and we were just past the 3 hour mark! It was time for Avery to come on out! He was so close! Bethany suggested that an episiotomy would help things because we did need Avery to get out. I was terrified, but I agreed. I did not want that, at all! Then I panicked. By this time my epidural had worn off enough that I could feel contractions pretty well. I knew that if I could push him out, I wouldn’t have to worry about the episiotomy. At the next contraction I pushed and decided I would just not stop pushing. It took all of my energy, stubbornness, and endurance, but it worked!! I heard Aspen and Bethany talking really excitedly so I opened my eyes and I saw Bethany pulling Avery out! He was here! At 1:19 pm on November 25, 2014. 18 hours after we had been admitted to the hospital and a total of 28 hours since Nikki and I had arrived in Nashville.

A few other people had gathered in the room to take care of him and an extra nurse or two to help Aspen and Bethany with me. Someone was holding Avery and making sure he was ok, encouraging him to cry by rubbing his feet, and he did! His little voice was deep and he sounded like a bleating sheep! They laid him on my belly to clean him up a bit and he felt so squishy and soft, he looked very white. He got an 8 on his first Apgar score because he had no color! Then they handed him to me. He was crying and screaming so loud. When they handed him to me, his little arms reached out big like, “Mama hold me!” it was the sweetest thing I ever saw! He loved me already, and I fell in love with him. I was crying, David was crying, everyone was so happy! He was finally here and healthy. Our sweet baby boy.

Our room was busier than ever with nurses caring for me (delivering the placenta and giving me stitches) and after a while nurses started caring for Avery, too. I don’t really remember much of what they did, I just remember holding him and David and I staring at him. David took a picture of me holding him and sent it to our families, but I think they had overheard a nurse say he was born before we got around to that… Sorry again, family! David also took a video of me holding him and looking at his floppy ears. He was just so sweet.

A while later our family started coming in to see him! They were all very excited and there were lots of happy tears. I got to surprise my Dad and tell him we were naming the baby John Avery. He was surprised and said “You’re kidding?!” He was so proud. Nikki and David watched while the nurses weighed and measured Avery in our room. Nikki took about a million pictures, so even though I didn’t see it happen, I saw all the photos. I rested and finally got to eat some graham crackers and drink some juice. I was really tired and hungry! But I was also so, so happy. Happy that he was here, and happy that the birth had been exactly what we needed. Not necessarily what I envisioned, but perfect nonetheless.

Later after they had moved us into our postpartum room I began to write down everything that had happened. Before I got married, my friend Holly Toehill told me to write down everything about the wedding as soon as I could because I would forget things if I didn’t. It was great advice and I wanted to remember everything about Avery’s birth story. God had been so faithful to us, even though his birth was so different than I had thought it would be. I had felt completely taken care of and (mostly) calm and peaceful through everything. It was a wonderful experience and I wouldn’t change one thing! Here are the moments where I really saw God’s hand the most:

1. The misplaced IV that morning and Linda the midwife insisting that we be patient. That was exactly what I wanted from the staff, patience so that we could make decisions calmly.
2. The doctors wouldn’t let us go home without an ultrasound. Without that terrible ultrasound we wouldn’t have known my amniotic fluid was low and that Avery needed to be born quickly.
3. All the staff who worked with us were sweet, kind, and calm. We could instantly tell they cared about us and wanted to do what was best for our family. Aspen and Rachel, especially! Nurses are amazing! And really strong (Aspen lifted my deadweight leg about 1000 times during pushing..)
4. Around the time I got woken up by nurses flipping me over because Avery’s heart was decelerating, my good friend Kirby got woken up by the urge to pray for us. We had so many people lifting us up during labor! Thank you, friends!
5. All of the drug worked without any side effects!
6. The couple who came in with a breech baby and needed to go into the OR before us gave Avery time to perk up.
7. After we asked for prayers for Avery’s heart to perk up, it did! We were able to avoid a C-section.
8. Bethany was one of the midwives I really wanted to work with, and she was our perfect helper during delivery! She was patient and encouraging the entire way. She did not leave my side through 3 hours of pushing! I truly felt like I was her only patient that day. It was incredible. I met her the day I found out I was pregnant, and she was the one to deliver him.

There were lots of other ways God pieced this story together, but I’m going to end the story here. Our baby was healthy and so was I. We got to experience the miracle of life. We were asked to trust that God would provide, and he did. He is so faithful to his children. We are always given exactly what we need. It was not in any way what we had imagined. I didn’t get to labor in a tub, or dance around to “Shake It Off” in the hospital, or bake goodies for the nurses, and Avery was not born while the song “Circle of Life” was played magically at the perfect moment… But the story that did happen was perfect. Much better than all I had asked or imagined.  And we are forever grateful.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17